TeamRAW

Wow, it is already Tuesday again. It was two weeks ago this evening that we made our first trip to the Emergency Room. And it has been a long two weeks since that time. Hours have melted into days and weeks, and I feel marginally better.

It is as though the last three weeks (including the week of pain before ER) have been a dark tunnel. Time has meant nothing other than whether I can or should take another pill…aghhh I hate the pills, I can feel the pollution in my body and I am certain that today’s day of nausea and vomiting is a direct result of the accumulation of toxins in my body. Never will I be more ready for a cleanse than after all this.

Yesterday was a suprisingly good day. I took a shower and walked to Rainbow with Cemaaj and I was still standing – kind of! But a lot better than the previous two times we tried to walk 10 blocks. On each occasion I doubled over in pain half way through and poor Cemaaj had to practically carry me home. Never have four blocks felt so far. But last night we walked 10 blocks and navigated Rainbow.

Today I woke up feeling the same as I do now, some 10 hours later – lousy!! At least it is not the intense pain I have been feeling until 2 days ago. This was, and still is, a gnarly headache that started two days ago and refuses to leave with sleep (I particularly hate waking up with the headache I went to sleep with), nausea and vomiting. The best I can do is lay still in bed and wait until it passes. And then I thought I could pass some time writing to you…

Though today has been pretty difficult, I do feel as though we are turning a corner on this chapter of pain. We should enjoy a little stability until the Urologist schedules the lithotripsy treatment to break up the stones. We have an appointment with him next week. And I am planning to return to work on Thursday, I don’t think I have ever had this long away. Now that the excrutiating pain has diminished I can work through not feeling great.

January is closing and February beckons…at the end of this long and dark tunnel I hear Spring calling, and as I lay in my bed feeling less than my Optimal, I think of Spring and renewal…this too shall pass. In the meantime I have time with me, myself, and I…my body may be challenged but my mind still whirs with the whiff of possibility. As my dear friend and Iyengar Yoga Teacher, Tony Eason always says:
Wishing you the best of all possible worlds
Shivie

It seems I have a lot of time to think right now. I have little energy or inclination to do anything but lay with my heat pads and allow my body to recover. It has my full attention and I am listening. Since my last post I have returned to ER, been admitted, had surgery, endured a great deal of pain (and still am), and have returned home to “manage” the pain.

On Thursday it became apparent that the pain medication from the Tuesday night ER visit was not enough. I was in a great deal of pain, the likes of which I have never known before. And it was constant with peaks that just bought me to tears. So, we called Kaiser advice line and they told us to go back. It took me nearly 6 hours to get out of the house. All I had to do was take a quick shower and get into the cab. Well, that took 6 hours!

An hour after hitting ER for the second time in as many days, I was back on the ward, with IV morphine and feeling a little more comfortable…a 6 or 7/10 rather than 9/10 (they work on a 1-10 pain scale). And then we saw Dr Hunt. He explained that there were in fact, three kidney stones and one was more than 1cm! This large stone is sitting on top of mu pelvis blocking the kidney. The kidney is infected and swollen, and there is fluid around it. All in all my kidney is in crisis. With all this going on, the blockage etc, there is a chance of the kidney rupturing so it became imperative to relieve the swelling in the kidney and surrounding area. It was now also evident that the stone would not passing by itself. Indeed, removing the stone now could cause further damage to the kidney. First priority was to stabilize the kidney and bring down the infection.

The Urologist presented two options to me early Friday morning, me still in a morphine fog. A radiologist could, he explained, insert a tube into my kidney through my bag and attach a bag to drain the kidney. “How long for?” I groggily murmured. “Three to fours weeks,” he replied. THREE TO FOUR WEEKS, even the morphine fog could not dull this one. Oh no, I will not be carrying around a bag on my leg for the next few weeks. How did this happen, i was thinking to myself, as he started explaining the next procedure. This was a man on a mission, he was there before 7 and he wanted a quick decision. He told me the alternative was a surgical procedure, done under general anaestitia, to insert a stent from my kidney to my bladder. He kept talking, talking…and I heard him but didn;t fully grasp it. I told him it sounded too invasive, I would have to think about it. Cemaaj would be back soon, he didn’t leave until 4am.

After he left, I started to feel the enormity of this thing…first one stone, 7mm then three stones, more than 1cm, a swollen kidney, an infection…SURGERY…and this is only the beginning. Once the kidney is drained and the infection gone, we have to remove the stones. This may be done by lipotripsy, a procedure done under general anaestitia, whereby the stones are broken down by magnetic waves (or something like that, remember this is all new to me) or by surgery. But that is 3-4 weeks away, we have a long road.

I returned home late Saturday night with more drugs than you can wave a stick at. I spent Sunday motionless, with nausea and vomiting. A very uncomfortable day. In the hospital I had all the medication by IV and at home I am taking them orally, too much for my very empty system. But by last night I ate a small bowl of white rice and later a little oatmeal. I started staggering the drugs more and this morning I woke without the nausea and have only had it in passing the remainder of the day.

This is the most active i have been, it is as though a small window of opportunity and inclination open and you have to take advantage of it. I have lain so still in bed with my heat pads for days now. Cemaaj has never seem me so still or so quiet. Whilst I am talking of Cemaaj, I want to say that no kinder Angel has ever been by side in such a time of crisis. Many of my other hospital stints were done alone. Well, I was NOT alone this time. He was with me for all of it. He went home at 4am the first night and returned at 7.30am, upset he had missed the Urologist and refused to leave again. When I came out of surgery at midnight Friday he curled up next to me on my bed and stayed there all night. Poor boy was exhausted when we got home. I have never felt more loved and supported, and I am deeply grateful.

So, now I am home, having a rare period of tolerable pain and the inclination to let you know what is going on, apologies to those whom I would love to call but lack the energy to do so. This is a time for me to surrender and concentrate on the thing that is most important to me, my health. I started this blog in the New Year celebrating optimal health. Well, these are some important steps on my own journey to optimal health. And that is where my own mortgage crisis comes in…

As I explained before, my “old” life was loaded with meat, soda, caffeine, stress, drugs, sickness etc. In the last seven or so years, in my “new” life, I have been dedicated to learning as much as possible about the connection of food with both health and dis-ease. I have used myself as my own guinea pig. That old meat eating body is now seven years without meat or alcohol and my body is making long term changes for my greater health. But, that old lifestyle does not come without it’s price. In order for the new body to become the norm, it must eradicate all remnants of the old. And this is where my new body forecloses on the old and the penalty for this the passing of old kidney stones.

I have been feeling a little “off” for a while. My back has been particularly achy in the morning and I was more fatigued than usual, though I was doing less…I couldn;t work out what it was…until now. So, once these stones are gone, and my little kidney has regained it’s health and vitality, the new body will be able to move forward with the first, and only, mortgage. All arrears will be settled. I feel new life springing from this.

In the meantime, I am dealing with being restricted to my bed and the distance between it and the bathroom. It is crazy that for one who is spending so long in bed I only sleep 2-3 hours a time once or twice a day, The oain inevitably wakes you up and there you go again, pill popping. This really is a mind trip for me. My saving grace is the knowledge that when this is over I will be doing my Juice Feast to cleanse all this crap out of my system.

That’s all for tonight, thank god I just think and ramble this stuff out quickly, I am exhausted – but happy to update you, and here is Cemaaj with a petit bowl of rice for me. Tomorrow is green juice.

Whatever you are doing be grateful for your health.
One Love
Shivie

THE PAST…

Good evening, I am deep in thought about health and the reasons behind why the body maifests what it does and when it does – if that makes sense. I may not make sense tonight as I am fresh out of the Emergency Room at Kaiser, where Cemaaj and I spent the night. I am full of drugs that I am no longer accustomed to and feeling it. Let me explain…